There are only a few people in Hollywood who will ever tell you the truth. The Chinese dude who runs the corner shop on the beach by 20 Brooks is one of them.
I go there when it’s Mother Hubbard’s in #304 and I am checking in the cupboards to see if food magically appeared since the last time I looked ten minutes ago.
I put a $5.14 box of All Bran on the counter and asked why it cost so much. “Because you live around corner, don’t want to get in car and lose parking spot, but you hungry. Dats why cost.”
And the bastard is right. But I did point out that it’s almost hit its use by date and any pothead who wanders in here is going to head for the chocolate and salsa, so what about a discount? I got it for $5.00.
The other person who will tell you how it is, is your entertainment attorney. Of all the liars/cheaters/thieves (remember, pronounce the slash) that exist in this town, your entertainment attorney will tell you life with crystal sharp accuracy that Swarovski would cut their finger on.
Unlike Register Girl who’ll bring down an, “I don’t know your life” faster than a 2am drive thru order, EAs not only know the truth, they define truth, they can write the truth up three different ways depending how many points you want on the back end.
I have to say that one of my greatest joys in my first year in LA was to bag an EA. You suddenly feel validated in a way that is hard to explain. I drive a shit car, I have no work visa or green card, I have an under-the-radar sublet, I have no presence here at all. But the fact that at contract time I could say to the director of Diary of a Superhero, “Talk to my attorney,” thrilled me more than finding a parking spot right outside the Abbey Bar.
Elsa Ramo owns the firm where I am represented, I’m hanging with her and my attorney Erika at the LA Film Fest.
There is an after-party on and I’m a little over the whole party thing, so I’m vacillating on whether to go.
Me: Elsa, this porch party, what do you think, is it worth it?
Then, without batting an eyelid, she replied.
Elsa: As a career builder I’d give it a 4 out of 10, fun probably a 5, decent cocktails 2 out of 10, hook up would be an 8 but only 4 out of 10 for it being with someone attractive.
In a nanosecond, she saved me from talking to a producer the whole night that made a straight to video in 1996, having an average time with bad alcohol and waking up with someone, whose name I would unfortunately remember.
I suddenly understood the entire scope of “Entertainment” in the title “Entertainment Attorney”. She was a protector of not just us fools who venture into this industry, but all who spray on cologne and leave their homes at night full of hope. Like Julie from the Love Boat but with a loaded calculator and a serious smile.
If you don’t have an Entertainment Attorney, get one now and never have a bad night out again.
Those people that hang out with their legal folk in bars that I mentioned in an earlier post? They are really on to something.