Resolution 6: Spend Less Time In Gay Bars

Have you ever noticed that when you go out you seem to be having the same night over and over again? This is particularly so with gay men.

There is a solid reason for this; it’s entirely mathematical. They reckon that one in ten people is gay. So that’s 10% of the population. Take the lesbians out and it’s 5%. Of that lot, you have the sub-species of gay men that you like, twinks, bears, jocks, leather etc and each have the handful of bars that they like to go to. So it does feel very Six Degrees of Friday Night when you venture forth, suited and booted for a night out.

But I have a theory that maybe the repetition of experience comes from the bar name. For a bunch of people who are apparently so creative, give a bunch of queens the job of naming a bar and the results are no Mardi Gras outfit, let me tell you.

You see, give or take, there are only ten names you’re allowed.

Guaranteed, every gay man in the world has been to a bar called The Phoenix, The Barracks, The Anvil, The Spike, Tom’s, The Chelsea Bar, The Gauntlet, The Eagle, Flex and no city is complete without a Connections.

Seriously, are we all aspiring to that idea of a man who works metal while serving in the army and rising from ashes to go a-workin’ on the railroad with a penchant for medieval gloves who likes to bulge in a t-shirt, loves meeting new people, changed his name to Tom when he moved to the city and now resides in the gayest area of New York? I know it’s my personal goal.

Gay bar owners, you could learn a thing or two from the Germans. In Berlin, there are some of my favorite bar names ever.

Bronze medal goes to, “Let’s Just Be Friends”. A very close Silver to, “I Said Don’t Call Me”.

But the Gold was a clear winner; “When I’m Rich I’m Going To Buy Tony Lombardo”.

That’s the drummer from some Heavy Metal band the owner of the bar likes. That’s not a joke, there really is a bar there with this name. I’ve puked outside of it.

So if anyone’s planning on opening a gay bar, here are some German inspired suggestions…

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”
“29 Again”
“Stop Texting Me”
“He’s Not My Boyfriend”
“We Should Have Stayed At The Last Place”, and of course…
“I Emailed You”

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About Some Gay Guy

I'm getting divorced. So... yeah.
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