I love dogs. Love ‘em. Wish I could have one again, but till I sell some scripts and get a house with a yard, I have to make do with making ridiculous noises whenever I see one as I manhandle them with pent up love while their owner looks on terrified.
But every now and again, you meet a really weird one.
Not the one next door at the Latino house that I wrote about that time. That dog just tries to eat everything that walks by.
No, this creature was kinda kinky.
I was sitting with a friend having a coffee at the world’s gayest Starbucks on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. This place is so gay, they may as well call it Starbottoms. But I was in a mood for a gay-cation from my relentless routine at my desk in Venice and just wanted to soak up some hairless, plucked and tweezed viewings of my sort of fellow kind.
So there we are with a coffee a piece when this very slim, trim and yoga blonde chick goes and ties up her big, white Husky to the pole outside. She pats him once and then goes in to get a daily dose.
The dog, which was looking all cute and sweet, watches her go so intently I’m half expecting him to start pining. But I swear, the second the door closed behind her, he gets his freak on. He’s up on two legs and wildly humping the air, the pole, the ground, himself.
Then he started eyeing up all of the guys sitting at the tables outside, where every conversation has just come to a crashing halt. No one knows where to look.
Then this dog gets a raging hard on. It was disgusting. Almost like he was saying, “Hey guys, I’ve only a couple of minutes while the bitch gets a grande latte. Who wants some, huh?”
This generates a range of responses from the men seated.
Queen 1: Got I hate these confused bisexuals.
Queen 2: Reminds me of an ex of mine.
Queen 3: If anyone still needs a date tonight, you’re in luck.
When the dog sees that there’s no takers he decides to take matters into his own paws. I won’t describe what happens next. Let’s just say the dog was very flexible and performed an act on himself that I imagined only gymnasts were capable of.
Again, we all sit stunned and silent, sinking deeper into the horror.
Then the woman re-emerges. The dog pops it away for a later date, sits back down and reverts to its former cute self. He even checked if we were all watching when he licked her hand.
She unhooks the lead and walks off unaware that the love of her life has just performed a show you wouldn’t see even in Vegas, that’s left everyone who viewed it with the urgent need to shower. We all burst out laughing guiltily.
Queen 4: I think he’s going to leave her.