Deathsport 2010 – Riding A Bike In LA

Every city in the world that I’ve lived in, I’ve always had a bike. I love them as a way to get around, they’re free, no pollution, you get fitter etc etc. That’s my take anyway.

However, for most people in LA, bikes are the stationary things at gyms that you burn calories on while reading a trash mag. Bikes don’t actually go anywhere, they only have one wheel.

So that last thing someone expects in LA is to see one with two wheels, that moves, that’s on the same road as they are.

The last time I trained hard on a bike was in Singapore in the pre-cell phone days. Yes kids, there really was such a time. Anyway, they are everywhere now and people talk on them all the time, especially in their cars.

Herein lies the rub. A person is talking on the phone, they see a parking spot, they pull in, they turn off the engine then sit there talking till they finish their conversation.

Five minutes later I ride by, they realize they are late for their meeting and they open the car door with no warning. You have about half a second to keep yourself out of the Cedars Sinai Hospital Spinal Unit.

The really amazing thing is that when you stop and turn to tell the person that they really need to look next time, they have already locked the car, given you a look as if to say, “What?” and hurry off without even so much as an apology.

I try to be all about the love, but that flagrant disregard makes my blood boil.

It has happened just one too many times when one woman mac daddied the move in a super Cali-fragilistic effort. First she drives by me so close, she nearly pushes me into the parked cars, then cuts me off to get a space, then opens the door for me to highjump over. The Trifecta. I did not handle this well.

Me: HEY!
I get the, “What?” look as she prepares her escape. Not so fast darling.

Me: You could have killed me you bitch!
That got her attention. I start replaying her crimes for her to outline what a troll she is when she does a comeback worthy of Travolta.

Cali Bitch: He called me a bitch!
Me: Hang on, you nearly…
Cali Bitch: He called me a bitch!
She’s pointing at me now.
Cali Bitch: He called me a bitch!

Wow, she was good. This little ruse has now turned any sympathy I had from the bystanders to her. I was a man and she was a woman and I had called her a bitch. I am now the bad guy. I’m even starting to think that I’m the bad guy.

A friend of mine explains to me that this is a technique called Reduce and Repeat. Find one out of context thing and just keep saying it. He tells me that this is a particularly American practice, like a willful ignorance of the appallingly obvious facts.

They know that they are distorting the truth by finding one out of context kernel and shining a light on it. You know that it’s a lie and most of the people who saw what happened know that it’s a lie too. But she said it first and loudest, so she wins. Everyone knows it’s bullshit, and everyone participates in the deception.

It’s brilliant; they’ve won elections with this stuff. I can’t beat them, so bugger it…

Now I rehearse my lines before every ride, “You Nearly Killed Me! You Nearly Killed Me!” I can even manage a tear on a good day. I hope I see her again soon.


About Some Gay Guy

I'm getting divorced. So... yeah.
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2 Responses to Deathsport 2010 – Riding A Bike In LA

  1. joshsuds says:

    Hilarious! I personally change how I feel about cyclists/drivers/pedestrians based on which category I happen to fall in at the moment. When I drive in Manhattan, I hate the stupid pedestrians who stand five feet into the street when I have a green light. It’s almost as if they’re daring me to hit them. When I’m one of the pedestrians, however, I can’t believe how dangerous and reckless the drivers are. Those idiots! Of course, when I was biking around Montreal a couple of months ago, I had equal contempt for both pedestrians and drivers. They were both in my way!

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