I was awake, bored and on my iPhone and I thought to myself, I should buy a game. I don’t play games. I never really have.
My entire foray into the gaming word was when I lived in Singapore and was waiting for a back operation. I was lateral for six weeks and couldn’t walk, so instead I stared at Lara Croft’s ass for the duration. Tomb Raider helped me survive what would have been six weeks of unspeakable boredom.
But that was it; after I could walk again, I could have cared less about games and gaming.
So naturally I didn’t have a clue what all the games were that I was looking at on the iTunes page. Till I see Pacman.
Ah, Pacman. I remembered the Atari machines at my friend’s houses, playing with joysticks, chasing ghosts, eating cookies. This was a game I could get into.
So I download it and fire it up. Then I prepare for a little trip down memory lane as I push start.
Pacman is fucking loud. It’s like listening to a robot orgy. Bleeps, wah-wahs, trill sirens; it’s how I imagine R2-D2 would sound if he was getting raped.
And the game itself is really stupid. Really stupid. Really, really, really stupid.
I yellow disc runs around in a neon maze eating cookies and avoiding ghosts. Ghosts? I mean really. And they got another whole game out of this series by slapping lipstick and a bow on him and calling it Lady Pacman. And we all fell for it. Pac-drag more like it.
What was I thinking? I should have myself hypnotized so that the next time I have nostalgia for anything 80s I lock myself in the bathroom far from my wallet.
I bought a game from a time in my life when I wore a blue baseball cap that had silver puffy wings on the side, I could sing the entire lyrics to the theme song from the Greatest American Hero and my ambition in life was to be a Charlie’s Angel. Jaclyn Smith to be precise.
Let this be a warning to all my friends born in the 70s who are having babies and getting married and thinking about simpler times in your life. If you’re looking back, stick to the Golden Girls and avoid the golden circle with the eating disorder.