I was taking a flight back to Australia one time after a European gig. The bad news was that it was 18 hours of flying. The good news was that I sat next to David the whole way there.
After the fantasy of the mile-high club wanes, the next best thing that can happen to you on a plane is an upgrade. But a very close third is sitting next to someone very fucking cool. Since they dropped the price of flying to something that the masses can afford, this almost never happens anymore.
But happen it did on this flight. David was a bit of a high-flying businessman, bit of a player, and a lot of a fun guy. The kind of guy that you immediately want to be in a bar with having a few bevvies. So we made up for it by ordering a couple of scotches as he told me about the time that he hung out with the Royal family.
David was in London catching up with a friend who is a total girl around town. Miss Access All Areas. She’s raving about this great club that they just have to go to. But when they arrive, they find that the place is closed for a private party.
Oh no, no, no she thinks as she pulls out her cell and calls the manager who promptly appears at the front door to usher them in, but he pulls them to one side with a word or two of caution.
Manager: Listen, you can come in and I’m going to have to stick you in the VIP section. But you have to be cool. Do you understand?
Girl: Of course. No problem.
The Manager gives David the once over.
Manager: Who’s this?
Girl: Don’t worry, he’s cool.
Manager: Are you cool?
David: Uh, yes, I’m cool.
After everyone’s coolness was firmly established, the Manager leads the two of them through the crowd to the VIP section. David takes in the scene and then it all begins to make sense. There are a whole bunch of kids from wealthy families and minor royalty all over the place. These kids are drinking, dancing, getting a little wasted as young kids are want to do.
If a hand came up out of the crowd with a camera phone, one of the army of black clad bodyguards was there to put a large meaty paw on said camera and lower it out of harm’s way. This party was on the down low.
How exciting, thought David, as they travelled along and past the velvet rope up into the VIP section of the place. The Manager promptly sticks them in a booth with a bottle of champagne and David and his friend begin the process of catching up since they haven’t seen each other in an age.
Eventually, she has to go to the ladies and he is left to his own devices for a few minutes. Sitting back, he takes in the people around him. It’s then that he realizes that Prince William and Prince Harry are in the booth next to him with a couple of friends.
To say that David nearly soils himself is beyond an understatement. As much as the British may complain or debate about the role of the Royals, they are still the Royals. And every person in the country has had a picture of the Queen staring down at them from the first day that they entered primary school.
The proximity to the Gods is flipping David out and when his friend comes back from the washroom, he promptly excuses himself for his sudden and intense need to pee.
Standing at the urinal, he is wondering at how this strange night is turning out, when all of a sudden, the door to the bathroom swings open, a guy comes and stands next to David at the urinal. Out of the corner of his eye, David sees that William is unzipping right next to him.
It’s at that point where I had to stop David in his story and ask a hugely important question.
David: The future lineage of the Royal Family is very, very healthy indeed.
Knowing that William is packing a mean weapon makes me very, very happy indeed. To think of everything that that guy has had to grow up with, the job that’s already been preassigned to him, coming from that family and losing his hair already, the fact that he has a sceptre of note just feels like the least that God could have done for him.
David and I clink our glasses of scotch.
Back in the washroom, by some other miracle, David’s pee doesn’t crawl all the way back inside and he manages to finish having a slash before he goes to the sink to wash his hands. He’s on his way out of the bathroom and has his hand on the door opening it, when William emerges from the urinal section.
David looks at him. William looks at David holding the door. William looks at the sink, then back at David. David is paralyzed, door open, not knowing what to do now.
William then makes a decision, says thank you and heads to the door that David is holding open for him.
David then turns to me in his plane seat and looks me square in the eye.
David: To this day I have no idea what came over me and it’s a miracle that I wasn’t beheaded.
As William goes to walk out through the open door, David jams his hand across the door frame, preventing William from exiting. William looks at him wondering what the hell is going on and what’s going to happen next.
David: I don’t how your mother raised you, but in my house, we wash our hands when we’ve been the toilet.
William is stunned. He looks at David for what seems like forever. Then he bursts into laughter and throws his arm around David’s shoulder.
William: I have no idea who you are, but you’re drinking with me tonight.
William and David come out of the bathroom arm in arm, William calls over Harry and retells the entire event. Harry think it’s brilliant and gives David a hug. They all laugh and start doing shots at the bar.
They basically spend the rest of the night swapping stories, drinking, laughing and having a blast. And at the end of the night, there were hugs all round and no ridiculous swapping of emails or details. It was the best one-night-only night out ever and thankfully no one wrecked it at the end.
As a citizen of the Commonwealth, I can say William is going to be a king whose head I would proudly lick the back of when I mail a letter.